a beginners guide to conscious love making

Conscious meaning mindful. Conscious meaning presence.

Conscious love making works best when you agree with your partner to put aside expectations, particularly around orgasm/climax. The moment we become driven by the goal of orgasm we are likely to lose presence and slip into unconscious patterns and behaviours that we have learnt. In doing so we lose connection with ourselves and therefore connection with our partner. It can feel strange and even frustrating at first but it is a process of re-learning and re-wiring the brain and body to enjoy the whole process of love making which, in turn, will expand your experience of pleasure.

Think of this as though you were going out for an expensive meal. You want to enjoy every step of the process. You are no longer stuffing down a greasy takeaway for instant but short lived gratification.

This is a slow, decadant and delicious way to open up and taste each other differently.

True intimacy thrives on vulnerability.

It's time to get re-acquainted!

Set the Space

Find a time and place where you’re not rushed and you won’t be interrupted for a while. A place where you feel safe and comfortable. Turn off your phones and tune into the moment. Make sure the space is clean, tidy and warm and smudge with Sage or Palo Santo to cleanse and purify the energy of the space. Light some candles and incense and put on some soft music. Think sensual. Ignite the SENSES!

Creating the right space and setting the energy is important. It helps us to get “in the mood” as it sends a message to our brain that we are in a different space from ordinary work/ watching TV etc.

You may want to dress in something that makes you feel sexy but comfortable.

Extra Tip: Make a special sensual, sexy playlist together beforehand.

Communicate

Sitting opposite each other, either naked, in underwear or whatever you feel comfortable in. Take it in turns to share your INTENTIONS (this is not a goal but leading from your heart, what brought you to this space), FEARS (what fears or anxieties are within you, again keep it relevant to your time in this space together) and DESIRES (what are your desires from this. They don't have to be met in this moment but just speaking them out loud can be incredibly empowering and liberating for you both.)

Stay present with each other, don't deviate and get into small talk, arguments or confrontation. If you have any

grievances between you air them beforehand or agree to put them aside for this time together.

Smiles and giggles allowed. No kissing or touching yet.

You're opening your hearts first (it makes for deeper orgasms, I promise!)

Sharing our truth and our vulnerability helps to build trust and deepen intimacy. When we trust we begin to open up, when we open up we allow pleasure in. COMMUNICATION IS SEXY!

Eye Gaze

Stay sitting opposite each other and begin to connect with each other with your eyes. No words allowed. This can feel strange at first but just allow any feelings of discomfort to arise, they will eventually find a way to release and dissolve. Let any emotions arise, these can be incredibly insightful.

Start to melt into the experience and soften your body if you become tense. Let everything that surrounds your partner melt away so that you are gazing at their pure, authentic truth.

You can hold each other’s hand if you like but try to stay in your own spaces and just contact through the eyes. Don’t forget to take nice deep breaths to keep you present and in your own body.

Extra Tip: Eye Gazing is an entry into the Tantric practice of "Transfiguration" where you see everything in its divine form. You can use this step to see your partner as a manifestation of the divine. As their highest self. As pure love. When practiced consistently you may experience a complete dissolution of separation between you both as you merge in to one!

Compliments

Take it in turns to tell your partner something you like about them. Perhaps choose 5 things each and share them with each other.

We often forget to share these little love notes with our partner, especially if you have been together for a while. But we all need reminding sometimes and should never take it for granted that the other knows the little things we like/love about them or that makes us attracted to them. This is also a great way to give each other a confidence boost which, in turn, will open you up to each other in the bedroom.

Conscious Touch

Take it in turns to ask your partner how they would like to be touched and then spend an agreed time carrying out their wish. Remember to keep it mindful, slow and sensual. Take it in turns so that the giver can be fully present with the receiver.

Come away from fast, vigorous rubbing and activating touch. You want to avoid over stimulation at this point. Perhaps even leave genital touch out completely. You can choose light feather strokes, massage, butterfly kisses, for example.

Explore each others bodies, try something new.

Engage the senses. Stay present.

Bring your Bodies Together

Ahh, you made it this far!

If you haven't already you can now bring your bodies together either sitting in Yab Yum (google for guidance) or lying on the bed/soft surface together. Here you can revisit your desires for foreplay/ love making with each other.

Now is also a good time to check in, for a vulnerable heart opening share. Share how you're feeling, keep honest communication flowing.

Breathe in Tandem

My personal favourite!

With your bodies close bring your mouths together and begin to breathe in tandem through the mouth so when you breathe in your partner exhales in to your mouth and when you exhale your partner breathes you in through their mouth.

Visualise your breath becoming one continuous flow, circulating through your bodies, connecting you to one another.

Breathe deeply and feel your bodies pulsating in rhythm with each other. YUM!

Kiss

Kiss your partner in whatever way feels good; slow and soft or deep and hungry. Just make sure you are present with the kiss and not trying to get to the next stage. Ie. don’t move into “gunna rip your clothes off and end this in 10 minutes” type of kissing.

Spend time exploring your partner's mouth with yours.

Follow the Energy

From here you can follow whatever energy has arisen, do you want to do more kissing, more conscious touch, explore each other’s bodies, move into genital touch?

This is why moving slowly is so important, so you can feel the energy. There are so many missed moments, missed signs in our haste. Stay present and if you are losing presence (ie. fantasising or trying to rush into climax) SLOW. DOWN.

Choose what feels good for you in the moment, communicate your feelings with your partner and be open to hear theirs.

Practice being really honest and not doing something you really don't want or feel like doing just to please your partner.

Trust me, all of this is a million times better for all involved if it is coming from mutual consent and enjoyment. Your partner will thank you for staying in your truth. And if they don't, well perhaps they aren't the partner for you after all!

Penetration

If you decide to move to penetration of the Yoni (Vulva/Vagina) of any kind, do so slowly. Get your partner to ask for your permission to enter. If you are not ready tell your partner.

Perhaps you need more touch first, or maybe it’s just not the right time for you to receive penetration.

Get in the habit of tuning into when you’re ready and if you are a full “Yes” or not. Only receive/give penetration when you are a full “Yes”. Your body will thank you for it and return this kindess with the most orgasmic gifts!

And last but not least,

Enjoy!

You delicious, worthy, gorgeous bunny!