Sex without Intimacy
Sex without intimacy is like a separation of the body from the soul.
Intimacy is our willingness, our permission slip to be who we truly are. To drop the masks and pretences and step into our truth and authenticity.
Sex without intimacy is just two empty shells rubbing up against each other. And yes, eventually this may create sexual charge and orgasms may happen, BUT it will be nowhere near as deep, fulfilling and expansive as when we bring our whole self to the table and are willing to get INTIMATE!
Intimacy is often built upon, but it’s not necessarily based on how well we think we know someone or how often we’ve been with them. It’s not uncommon for long term couples to struggle with intimacy and it’s also possible to drop in to your authentic truth with someone you’ve just met!
So here’s my tips for cultivating more intimacy with yourself and others in sex:
•Awareness of energy - how well can you FEEL yourself and the other. What sensations are moving through your body? What emotions are you feeling. Are you aroused? Are you enjoying this? Are you a full YES to what’s happening? How does your partner feel? Tip: if you can’t feel yourself very well then SLOW. IT. DOWN.
•Embodied - are you connecting through your body or your mind. Authentic intimacy and sex is felt through the body. Whilst the mind can be useful for staying conscious and present we do not want to be connecting physically from a place of story, old narrative and instruction. TRUST ME- I can tell when someone is trying out the latest YouTube tutorial they’ve seen on me. It becomes mechanical, I can FEEL THEM THINKING and they are lost in their own heads, not connected to their own experience let alone mine. Let these fancy practices go, get out of your head and be in your body! This will help you stay present.
•Boundaries - We are so heavily ingrained to think that sex and intimacy means going all the way and can end up avoiding beautiful experiences because we don’t feel, or know if we feel ready for the whole hog with that person. This is where boundaries come in and allow you to create a safe space for you to explore each other. Don’t forget that you are in control and can do whatever you want to do and can equally decline that which doesn’t feel right. This is an absolute MUST! And once you get familiar with practicing vocalising you’re boundaries the world will become a playground. You can either state these at the beginning of an interaction or communicate them as you go. Don’t forget- boundaries exist in long term relationships too!
•Consent - the other side of the boundaries coin - ask before engaging intimately with another. This is a complete game changer as it is boundaries respected both ways. Now I’m in this world where boundaries and consent are common language it feels utterly outrageous to me that we would not check in with each other first before getting sexual. Ie. Just because you’re having a passionate snog this is not an invitation to pull the other persons pants down (unless there’s a shared agreement). These casual assumptions are how we got in to all this mess! There’s a simple solution - ASK!
•Honest Communication - express yourself through words. Share your thoughts and feelings as you go. Dare to be vulnerable. How often have you been thinking or feeling something during sex but felt too awkward to say it? Babe, you’re swapping genital fluids- say the damn thing! Some common ones; “oh that hurts a little”, “can you slow down”, “I love it when you do that”, “I’m not on the pill so can we talk about contraception first”, “I feel like I need more communication from you in between the time we see each other”.
•Accepting what is - Intimate sex is going to require a level of maturity from you and a full embrace of the messy humanness that comes from being our authentic selves. Sounds, smells, fluids, soft cocks, dry vaginas, varying levels of arousal, tears, retraction, expansion. When we allow ourselves to be intimate during sex we are shown much deeper levels of ourselves, we meet ourselves through sexuality - don’t shut any of it down.
•Be open to the experience - let go of how you think it should be. Like a car journey- if you only focus on where you need to be you miss the beauty of getting there. Let go of any pre conceived ideas about the destination you’re trying to get to and enjoy the ride- you may be pleasantly surprised at what arises.
•Self love - I’m tabbing this on the end here because it can never not be part of the process. Be gentle with yourself. Kind to yourself. Love yourself through all the weird and wild, wondrous parts of your intimate being. And once you’ve done that, go love yourself some more.